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Kind of a rough day but not too rough  
04:35pm 22/07/2010
So, today, for whatever reason, I was feeling a bit of sadness, of regret.  She was, in fact, my best friend.  And now...
Then I told her that she might have to take Sophie because she is starting to poop outside the box (probably getting hassled by another cat) and it could end up staining the carpet. 
Anyhow, it occurred to me that if that happens, its probably the very last time I'll ever see Sophie.  The cat is like 14 years old and I've know her for 11.  She loves me as much as a cat can love.  And she can't have more than a year or two left.
And that would be the last time I saw her.
That made me exceptionally sad.

i also realized a bit more today how much work I have to do to get my life anywhere at all.  My plan is to spend the weekend trying to figure out what I want to do.  I've been pushing myself to try and find an RPG group, but now I'm wondering if thats really what I want. 
I think I want to write, and get better at it, so I think I might find such a group (I've found an interesting one on meetup).  So I hope to spend the weekend doing a little self-examination and also reading works by people in the group, starting to get myself excited for the first time I go to a workshop.

Blech on work.  Pfeh, I say!!

That said, I am pretty sure I've decided to move back to Boston at the end of my lease, if at all possible.  There's really no reason to stay here except for the job, and I got a massive smile on my face just imagining walking around Boston and Cambridge and Somerville again.  My friends are there, the places I love are there. 
If I can find work, color me gone.
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05:03pm 21/07/2010
So, some of the euphoria of the weekend has worn off.  Its still good, but now I'm realizing that I actually have to, y'know, DO things.
Luckily, I have a friend who loves buffalo wings, hohos, and rock band.  These things make for a pleasing night. 

Annoyingly, I think I'm going to have to start making daily schedules.  Right now, I'm not likely to go out and have much fun during the week.  I work pretty hard, I really do just want to sack out in front of the TV and facebook and such.
But if I can get everything chore-like done during the week, then I'm free to do whatever I want on the weekend, and out of excuses.

Plus, y'know, I bought this Tenga toy and I'm anxious for my first date with it.

My Little Girl approves of this toy and was at least as excited as I was after watching the video demonstration.  Its actually a tiny bit intimidating.  But, I'm starting from scratch, sexually, and so I'm taking my time and relearning everything you are supposed to learn in your teens and 20s.
Which is exciting and, at times, a little embarassing and depressing.  But we do what we must.
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Today's weirdness  
04:33pm 20/07/2010
I feel like I should be angrier.  But I just can't seem to get into it.
It may be that I'm just so relieved to be out, or it may be that I've just closed the door on that part of my life and it now seems distant and irrelevant.
This is not to say it won't be different tomorrow.
I don't feel guilty, or betrayed.
I do feel slightly self-indulgent.
This is likely, in part, because of some wanderings I've done online. 
I went to a sex bulliten board that I'd lurked on for a while, and actually made a connection with someone.
We've talked a ton, she's just in baltimore, and is the perfect sub to my growing sense of being a dom (well, a switch, probably).
Its pretty amazing to feel lust again, to feel at home in my body and want another body beside it.
I don't know how long its been since I felt that.

She calls me 'Daddy', but not in that creepy age-play sort of way.  In an affectionate, but respectful way.  That is also nice.
The whole 'sir' and 'master' thing always felt silly and contrived to me.  This word is more intimate and emotional for me, and that really works.
It'll probably be a while, but the idea of meeting her is intensely exciting.
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the first little hurdle  
08:13am 18/07/2010
OK, so I found myself thinking about the upcoming day, and already back in the rut of life's minutia. 
Repeat after me:
I will do chores
I will cook dinner
Chores and dinner will NOT become the focus of my day 
The day is NOT about getting through the day.
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The backstory fleshed out.  
07:32am 18/07/2010
I'm going to try and give a little background here, because I think context is important.  I'm also going to try and keep this as non-venomous as possible, because, for the most part, my ex was wonderful to me, and its just been of late that there's been issues on that front.

I think we had two problems. 
First, we had no lives.  We moved from Boston to Maryland, and that was OK, but then from Maryland to DC and things started going poorly.  I had no friends, but a job I loved.  She had friends in the area, but was never seeing them.  And I was never in the mood to do anything much anyhow.  We very much fed into each other's natural inertia and it was looking an awful lot like we were going to spend the rest of our lives sitting on the couch, watching TV and playing on Facebook.  I don't make friends easily, and thats my own issue. And something I'm working on.

Second, sex.  Our sex life was horrible.  I mean, just horrible.  I knew that when we got married, and I just hoped we'd fix it.  Over the past year, its gotten worse as she'd gotten, to be blunt, hornier.  We've been working on it, and, had everything else been OK, maybe we would have gotten through it.  But probably not.  In looking back, I don't think i've been sexually attracted to her for a long time.  This isn't her fault in any way shape or form (ok, except one thing...I really liked her to dress up for me, and she didn't like doing that, and I was kind of an ass about it anyhow...). 

I think that, in looking back now, I was unhappy for a very long time.  I focused on the sort of external aspects of building a life together.  Paying bills, going food shopping, things like that.  The "we are in a rut" things.

Luckily, she decided that we should separate.  It took a while for that to turn into her living elsewhere (we didn't have the money for her to move out into a new place, and so she moved in with her Mom), which kind of sucked and was kind of painful. 

We agreed that, once separated, we had a lot of freedom, sexually, but we weren't really supposed to date anyone (I'm pretty sure that second part is true, I might be remembering wrong).  We were, in fact, supposed to start dating each other and try and get the romance back (which we never had, thats just how our relationship went).

We were in agreement that, since this wasn't an angry bitter thing, we'd keep working together financially to get each other set up.  She'd send me money to work down our debt, and I'd eventually start giving her money to try and get an apartment.
Here's where things start to go wrong.

She asked me, and I appreciated it, if she should tell me if she was going to (or had already) had sex with someone.  I told her to not tell me unless I asked (I waffled between yes and no, and this seemed the best compromise that allowed us to be honest without hurtful). 

About 3 weeks after she moved out (which was a little over a month ago, now, I think), she came over to pick up some more things (the vast majority of her stuff is still in the basement) and she said "Now, don't freak out, but Heintz is coming to visit."  Who is Heintz you might ask?  He's the guy she'd been flirting with on Facebook for 6 months.  I told her she was flirting with him, but she denied it.  The very nature of the intimate, sexual conversations they were having was flirtatious.  Certainly inappropriate, I think.  I say that knowing that had I been having those conversations with a woman, I'd have been in trouble.  I say that because of the shitfit she took when a girl on my Facebook thread (who I only know on fcebook) joked about flashing her boobs at me.  So I knew exactly what she meant by this visit.  She also wasn't hiding what the visit meant.  She'd said before that she could never cheat on me because she would not be able to hide her shit-eating grin, and thats what I saw that day when she told me.
I can't even tell you how painful that was.  Not only was she going to fuck this guy (who, btw, is most certainly a misogynist, and a psyche case, but oh-so-manly an ex-mercenary...I shit you not), but she'd told me when she wasn't supposed to and smiled like...I dunno...
And the entire thing had taken only a few weeks after moving out. 
I felt worthless, like I'd wasted my life, like I wasn't a man in any way.
Anyhow, I cut off contact with her after that except for 'business'.  She said she'd let me have my space.
I was just starting to get over that when, 10 days later (this past Thursday), I noticed she hadn't posted on Facebook all day.  And, I peeked, and its cause he was here.  Finding out was definitely my fault.  I went and looked.
As bad as the original hit had been, this was infinitely worse.  I spent the next 36 hours on the verge of a breakdown.  I actually decided that I was now single, and changed my relationship status on Facebook.  This was probably just me acting out of pain, rather than anything of depth.
I talked to friends, some who were not friends with her, some who were, and they all agreed that at least some aspects of this event were just mean, some agreed that the entire thing was just shitty.  I have no problem with the disconnect.  Certainly, some of the events fall under the "one side of the story" stuff, but telling me did not.  That was an objective fact.  On the plus side, I learned that I often sell my friends too short, and I'm going to stop doing that, and it made me happy to learn.
Then suddenly, it was gone.  I'm used to something bad happening, and just sort of burning through the pain by sinking very very deep for a short period of time, but this was different.
Saturday, I woke up free. 
Its like, my past was my past and had no bearing at all on my future.
I was gettinig a chance to start again.
I don't have to be miserable, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, I don't have to only put my life in the context of other people's lives.  I can just be me.
I spent all day talking with people about it, many of whom had gone through similar life ending/restarting events (like coming out of the closet), who all said they felt exactly the same way and that it ends up taking over your life, not just your personal relationships.  They were all very happy for me, though made sure I knew some days would still hurt and suck.
I let myself have Saturday for contemplation and lazy enjoyment, and now it is Sunday and I'm already just keeping myself in motion, not just on chores, but on things I consider important (like this journal).
While I may have declared myself single out of pain, I now do so out of hope and anticipation.
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In the beginning...  
09:29am 17/07/2010
So, after, more or less, 10 years together (including before marriage), my wife and I have separated.  In the month since she's moved out, her behavior has lead me to declare myself single.  This was actually the first decision I got to make in the entire event, and its an important one.  Changing that perspective puts me in a position to rebuild my life (I have none, really) and become the person I want to be.
This will be my story.
Some of this will sound like (and probably be) venting and complaining, but I hope to mostly keep it to the stuff I do and changes I affect, and all that, and not as a "boy she's horrible" kind of thing (I promise nothing). 
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July 2010  

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