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The backstory fleshed out.  
07:32am 18/07/2010
 
 
I'm going to try and give a little background here, because I think context is important.  I'm also going to try and keep this as non-venomous as possible, because, for the most part, my ex was wonderful to me, and its just been of late that there's been issues on that front.

I think we had two problems. 
First, we had no lives.  We moved from Boston to Maryland, and that was OK, but then from Maryland to DC and things started going poorly.  I had no friends, but a job I loved.  She had friends in the area, but was never seeing them.  And I was never in the mood to do anything much anyhow.  We very much fed into each other's natural inertia and it was looking an awful lot like we were going to spend the rest of our lives sitting on the couch, watching TV and playing on Facebook.  I don't make friends easily, and thats my own issue. And something I'm working on.

Second, sex.  Our sex life was horrible.  I mean, just horrible.  I knew that when we got married, and I just hoped we'd fix it.  Over the past year, its gotten worse as she'd gotten, to be blunt, hornier.  We've been working on it, and, had everything else been OK, maybe we would have gotten through it.  But probably not.  In looking back, I don't think i've been sexually attracted to her for a long time.  This isn't her fault in any way shape or form (ok, except one thing...I really liked her to dress up for me, and she didn't like doing that, and I was kind of an ass about it anyhow...). 

I think that, in looking back now, I was unhappy for a very long time.  I focused on the sort of external aspects of building a life together.  Paying bills, going food shopping, things like that.  The "we are in a rut" things.

Luckily, she decided that we should separate.  It took a while for that to turn into her living elsewhere (we didn't have the money for her to move out into a new place, and so she moved in with her Mom), which kind of sucked and was kind of painful. 

We agreed that, once separated, we had a lot of freedom, sexually, but we weren't really supposed to date anyone (I'm pretty sure that second part is true, I might be remembering wrong).  We were, in fact, supposed to start dating each other and try and get the romance back (which we never had, thats just how our relationship went).

We were in agreement that, since this wasn't an angry bitter thing, we'd keep working together financially to get each other set up.  She'd send me money to work down our debt, and I'd eventually start giving her money to try and get an apartment.
 
Here's where things start to go wrong.

She asked me, and I appreciated it, if she should tell me if she was going to (or had already) had sex with someone.  I told her to not tell me unless I asked (I waffled between yes and no, and this seemed the best compromise that allowed us to be honest without hurtful). 

About 3 weeks after she moved out (which was a little over a month ago, now, I think), she came over to pick up some more things (the vast majority of her stuff is still in the basement) and she said "Now, don't freak out, but Heintz is coming to visit."  Who is Heintz you might ask?  He's the guy she'd been flirting with on Facebook for 6 months.  I told her she was flirting with him, but she denied it.  The very nature of the intimate, sexual conversations they were having was flirtatious.  Certainly inappropriate, I think.  I say that knowing that had I been having those conversations with a woman, I'd have been in trouble.  I say that because of the shitfit she took when a girl on my Facebook thread (who I only know on fcebook) joked about flashing her boobs at me.  So I knew exactly what she meant by this visit.  She also wasn't hiding what the visit meant.  She'd said before that she could never cheat on me because she would not be able to hide her shit-eating grin, and thats what I saw that day when she told me.
I can't even tell you how painful that was.  Not only was she going to fuck this guy (who, btw, is most certainly a misogynist, and a psyche case, but oh-so-manly an ex-mercenary...I shit you not), but she'd told me when she wasn't supposed to and smiled like...I dunno...
And the entire thing had taken only a few weeks after moving out. 
I felt worthless, like I'd wasted my life, like I wasn't a man in any way.
Anyhow, I cut off contact with her after that except for 'business'.  She said she'd let me have my space.
I was just starting to get over that when, 10 days later (this past Thursday), I noticed she hadn't posted on Facebook all day.  And, I peeked, and its cause he was here.  Finding out was definitely my fault.  I went and looked.
As bad as the original hit had been, this was infinitely worse.  I spent the next 36 hours on the verge of a breakdown.  I actually decided that I was now single, and changed my relationship status on Facebook.  This was probably just me acting out of pain, rather than anything of depth.
I talked to friends, some who were not friends with her, some who were, and they all agreed that at least some aspects of this event were just mean, some agreed that the entire thing was just shitty.  I have no problem with the disconnect.  Certainly, some of the events fall under the "one side of the story" stuff, but telling me did not.  That was an objective fact.  On the plus side, I learned that I often sell my friends too short, and I'm going to stop doing that, and it made me happy to learn.
Then suddenly, it was gone.  I'm used to something bad happening, and just sort of burning through the pain by sinking very very deep for a short period of time, but this was different.
Saturday, I woke up free. 
Its like, my past was my past and had no bearing at all on my future.
I was gettinig a chance to start again.
I don't have to be miserable, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, I don't have to only put my life in the context of other people's lives.  I can just be me.
I spent all day talking with people about it, many of whom had gone through similar life ending/restarting events (like coming out of the closet), who all said they felt exactly the same way and that it ends up taking over your life, not just your personal relationships.  They were all very happy for me, though made sure I knew some days would still hurt and suck.
I let myself have Saturday for contemplation and lazy enjoyment, and now it is Sunday and I'm already just keeping myself in motion, not just on chores, but on things I consider important (like this journal).
While I may have declared myself single out of pain, I now do so out of hope and anticipation.
 
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(no subject)
 marie13
 
06:08pm 18/07/2010 (UTC)
 
 
marie13
IMHO, I see that changing your facebook status was a turning point for you, whether it was out of pain or not. If I am feeling helpless, I need to do something empowering. It seemed like at that point that was what you did-and what followed was that feeling of freedom-that you are now in charge of your life.
Also IMO, it seems like your ex has some work to do on herself. Reading these facts points to capriciousness. FWIW, I have been the other woman in a triangle (many years ago) and I ended up getting dumped. He left his wife and after a while tired of me. Later I read that most of the time this is what happens.
Not to put your pain into a neat little capsule. I'm not. I can only imagine how difficult it's been for you.
 
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(no subject)
 schism_time
 
06:26pm 18/07/2010 (UTC)
 
 
I don't disagree.
I think changing my status was the first domino to getting through it all.
Other people have said that her actions are very much part of her trying to figure herself out, gain some seelf-esteem, but sadly in a potentially self-destructive way.
I don't believe my situation is particularly unique, just, maybe, a little condensed.

And I'm happy with the outcome :)
 
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